Archive for February, 2010
All Our Little Rituals
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010 | Yammer | No Comments
The baby books will tell you that toddlers are very attached to their routines and rituals. What I observe most from Stella has been the development of patterns, which she can re-use and re-mix to help her feel more a part of what is going on in the house. Some of these are not toddler-specific, but rather outgrowths of our earlier patterns and habits as a family.
One of our first patterns involved when I nursed her. After I went back to work, it was particularly part of our routine to snuggle and nurse in the mornings when she woke up (around 530) until it was time for me to hit the ground running at 7:30. We also had a very reliable snuggle and nurse time as soon as we came in the door after work/babysitter. This eventually evolved into more of a snuggle time, as she nursed less and less, and is now more of a “together” time — in the mornings, she is likely to sleep later, at least until 730 if not 8 or longer if we can let her, but as soon as she is awake, she generally wants to be with mom, following me around (up? up? bath! bath! brush? trash!) as I follow my usual routine. While her dad is getting ready, we usually read one book before heading downstairs — we sit in a particular chair, and the door must be closed.
Our getting-home routine has evolved too, from nursing/snuggle time to face time, to now sit and read a book while we munch a quick snack time. I have tried skipping these little patterns in the morning or evening and even if she doesn’t complain, it just feels like something is missing from our day. I guess mommies need patterns too…if I don’t get my baby time in the morning, it’s a tough day indeed.
She and her dad have a goodnight routine (mama! mama! nigh-nigh!) — my part is to collect a kiss on each of my cheeks, give her a few of my own, and send her off with him so they can do their thing. I tell people that I get the morning shift and dad takes the night shift. It seems to work.
We have a drop-off routine of sorts, but nothing too serious — usually involving a few exchanged kisses and “bye-bye” with a wave. We have been very fortunate that she deals with separations well — sometimes there will be a rough day here or there, like the first day after a long holiday, but not many at all. I think it helps that she has a babysitter who adores her, and a house full of toys and friends to enjoy when she goes there.
We have shoe and sock patterns, we have jacket-hanging patterns. She likes to feed the dog and give her a treat when she comes in from being outside. She has a set of behaviors to tell us when she wants her diaper changed (gather supplies, array them on floor, lie down expectantly. Point at diaper and say ‘trash!’ if nothing seems to be happening…adults are so dim sometimes.)
The world must be so strange and unpredictable to a child, with so many things going on that she can barely understand, much less control or take part in. These little patterns give her some way to frame that whirling maelstrom of people, sounds, events, and objects. Knowing the steps involved in getting ready in the morning, pointing and narrating each one must give such a sense of mastery over the chaos of a world so much bigger than yourself. Knowing that if you say nigh-nigh, kiss mommy, and then climb the stairs with daddy, there will be pajamas and tooth-brushing and a bottle of milk, must be so comforting when you’re tired and barely able to control your feelings.
The books that talk about routines sometimes make it sound like a rigid minute-to-minute schedule or a sequence of inscrutable baseball signs. To a not-type-a person like myself, the idea of turning my life over to a strict scheduled routine was pretty alien. Bedtime is sometimes a little earlier, sometimes a little later. Nap time is at one time for the babysitter and dad, and much later (….unfortunately….) when mom is around. We haven’t done the pacifier thing, we don’t have a special blanket, she doesn’t have a dolly or stuffed animal she can’t sleep/ride/live without. Maybe some kids need that, maybe ours will need that someday. I hope that my own reluctance to assign some object to that role has not left her feeling rootless or insecure. She seems to be just fine.
For now, what she’s teaching us is that her patterns are about being part of the world and feeling like she’s doing the right things, that she has some understanding and control. It is a good thing this kid came with instructions, cuz the third-party manuals they sell at the store don’t help that much.
